Different kind of loneliness

Kepikiran nulis lagi setelah berbulan bulan ngilang dari blog ini, dan pencetusnya masih karena hal yang sama dalam satu tahun lebih ini, COVID-19. Prolong quarantine ini udah lebih dari satu tahun, udah ngerasain periode bosan di rumah, helpless gabisa banyak bantu, berusaha produktif, cari hobi baru di rumah, kesel sama yang bandel, semangat edukasi, cape ngerjain tugas dan ngajar online, sedih karena ada teman, keluarga, guru, rekan kerja dan kenalan yang meninggal karena COVID-19, seneng karena akhirnya vaksin dateng, excited bantuin vaksinasi dengan jadiin Azzahra salah satu faskes vaksinator, bersyukur liat kurva landai dan menurun mulai Februari, dan sekarang balik helpless lagi liat kurva beranjak naik saat orang sedang sibuk buka puasa bersama, tarawih tanpa protokol kesehatan, mudik padahal sudah dilarang, nongkrong cantik, seminar offline di luar kota, dan kalo entah acara apalagi yang mendadak diadain offline karena ngerasa semua udah aman dan baik baik aja.

Selama satu tahun karantina ini aku berasa hidup di dalam bubble sendiri. Melindungi diri sendiri. Sejak Maret 2020, aku pikir kebanyakan orang mirip kayak aku, berusaha untuk tetap #dikamaraja kalo ga ada kegiatan mendesak banget, pake masker di luar rumah, jaga jarak, sesuai nyanyian protokol kesehatan lah. Instead, I was proven wrong, time and time again. I was frustrated. I was lonely.

I can adapt the physical loneliness. Karantina di kamar tanpa ketemu orang lain kecuali keluarga serumah berhasil diatasi dengan berbagai hobi baru, dan kalo mentok banget aku bisa video call beberapa orang, atau konsul ke psikiater aku. Selama setahun ini masih manageable, walaupun masih rasanya naik turun. Moodnya. Semangat kerja-nya. Pikirannya. Semua naik turun dan campur aduk. Tapi masih manageable.

The first thing it happened back in July, after the government stopped the PSBB and opening the new normal era, I was planning to adapt being outside again. It’s been months since I’m staying in my room. I was excited to go for a short drive around Palembang, just to try and adapt to the outside world once again. It was okay-ish until the car went pass a traditional market, where people barely wearing masks, it’s practically just another day at work for them.

TBVH I felt betrayed at that moment. I know people has their own life, their own difficulties, and such. I know some people can affort to stay at home and make money at the same time, but I don’t think following the basic health protocols would be that difficult. Setidaknya pake masker lah yang baik dan benar. Itu aja. Tapi ga dikerjain juga. Long story short I asked my driver to go take a look at several other traditional markets around my place, and the situation there are pretty much the same. It’s crowded, just like another day at the market. I was so scared and sad I went home right away. It’s was the first time, and I kept being worried and sad of being outside.

I thought that after July, things will get better, the behavior will be bettter, people will follow the protocols now that we’re adapted to pandemics, but once again I’m wrong. It’s even wilder. People were starting to swarm at restaurants, doing weddings, birthday parties, and other parties I didn’t recognize. I haven’t attended any invitations since 2020. It’s not that I don’t want to go outside, but I’m afraid of people not even doing the bare minimum of health protocol yet they claimed that it’s sufficient already. It scares me. I felt lonely and out of place among them.

Not just on daily living, my work schedule started to be not-so-WFH-anymore. Suddenly they’re traveling to other cities for field trips, offline supervisions, and such. There’s this technology that’s called internet and it’s been proven to be effective, but suddenly they want to do it offline. I kept declining the offer to join the field trips, once sneered with “😂” because I told the admin that I was still wary to travel by plane. Sometimes my name was written already and there’s only so many times I can evade going there. It’s scary. I’m scared to the point of having psychosomatic symptoms. Why would we need to risk ourselves when we can do the safer way. But people insisted on doing it offline although it’s dangerous.

I am so overwhelmed. I am so lonely. I thought more people understand the safety measures needed to protect ourselves in this time of fear. I thought at least my fellow scholars would understand the basic of pandemics. I thought it’s clear that we still need to restrict ourselves from going outside, especially when there are effective options that works so far.

It’s so lonely. It’s so lonely to keep sanitized your hands in publics with double masks on. Especially when people around you don’t care. It’s lonely having to look for empty room to eat lunch because others were nonchalantly eating together in a closed space without proper ventilation.

I know it’s nothing big compared to what my fellow physician colleagues have to endure in hospital with hazmat and such, but dealing with patiens are life-and-death situation, it’s inevitable. Even my sister and my father still do their decontamination procedure everyday after they finished with their work. That’s how you do healthy protocols, because they know in this house we have our 80+ grandma. I trusted them because we have the same concerns.

Yet these kind of meetings, these kinds of events are doable online, yet it’s set offline just because people think it’s okay to do it now. Well, it’s not. Why risk it? It’s not like you can revive your family once they’re dead after they’re contracted by COVID. It’s not like you can move on and go back in life knowing you indirectly killing your older family members at home by risking them with unnecessary and preventable risks.

So I am still with my stance, I won’t go out unless it’s SUPER needed and the conditions are possible for me to do appropriate health protocols. I want to be safe and healthy. I want my family to be safe. I don’t want to risk infecting my family. If others don’t want to protect themselves, I will protect myself and my family.

It’s lonely.

It’s a different kind of loneliness.

0 Tanggapan to “Different kind of loneliness”



  1. Tinggalkan sebuah Komentar

Tinggalkan Balasan

Isikan data di bawah atau klik salah satu ikon untuk log in:

Logo WordPress.com

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Logout /  Ubah )

Gambar Twitter

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Logout /  Ubah )

Foto Facebook

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Logout /  Ubah )

Connecting to %s




Selamat datang!!

Rizma Adlia Syakurah,

Ini semua tentang Ma dan hal hal yang berputar disekeliling Ma.
tentang seorang Ma.

Mau nge-OOT, sini aja.

Kumpulan Foto,,

Quote yang Ma suka!

Blog fave-nya Ma!!

Kategori!!

Kumpulan cerita Ma,,

Hasil ronde,,

Edan banget, yet, I Love it,,!!

web stats

Makasih banget buat

  • 963.326 orang

Just an encouragement,,

Hindari rokok sebisanya. Sudah merokok? Merokoklah dengan manusiawi.
Di sini anti rokok mas/mbak,,
mari dimatikan rokoknya,,

Berdiskusilah secara dewasa...
Ga terima ad Hominem!
terimanya duit dan makanan,,

Lembar Verifikasi?


%d blogger menyukai ini: