Choosing myself

Well, actually I’ve struggled from the feeling of “abis batre” this whole week. Practically almost everything failed to brought up my mood. I resorted to eat things I usually like and ended up feeling better-ish and managed to function well the next day.

My “abis batre” moments don’t really translate to me crying 24/7, locking myself at home, or calling in sick at work. It’s me not feeling like myself, feeling sad-ish and restless-ish, feeling more lethargic compared to my usual self, feeling tired even after resting, not being as productive as usual, added with a bit of insomnia.

I asked my friend about it and she suggested me to charge, like what I would’ve done to my “abis batre” phone. She also said that I’m the only one that know best what’s effective as a charger. So I tried food, lots of food, lots of food I like. It improved my mood just to moderate level so I can function, but I still feel the emptiness.

So I was considering to go on a short vacation. I contemplated among Bandung Jogja or Jambi, and I chose Jambi because I haven’t met my friend there and I didn’t attend his wedding as well, so I decided to go there.

Who knows that going to a three-day vacation can be super challenging for me? I cleared up all my schedule, and Saturday will be Chinese New Year so it’s a public holiday. I thought I’ve cleared out my schedule just to go and relax myself for several days but turned out it’s not that easy.

Randomly, my superior slash mom assigned me to train a group of people to make research articles for a conference. Because she hasn’t confirmed with me before and I bought tickets already, I have to say no. It wasn’t easy but she finally said okay that I cancel it. I specifically tell her that I’m not doing well, my mood was so bad, I’m in a bad place right now. I am so grateful she canceled the class. My father called me to said that we have invitation to attend my bos’s grandchild’s event, and stated that that was super important for me to come but I said that they can go instead, and that I need this.

I know that’s how life work, that’s how responsibilities feel like. But every once in a while I wish I don’t have to fight too hard just to have a vacation that was needed for my mental health. It’s kind of sad for me to keep telling people that I need rest because I feel like my battery is about to go off, but that’s what I did. They won’t understand if I didn’t tell them. That I’m not okay. That sometimes I need some down time. I need rest.

I’m proud of myself for choosing myself today. I’m in Jambi right now. I think I did a great work in focusing on my need. I hope I can continue to do so and others will learn that I need this time for myself too. Amin. 🙏🏼

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