Realizing my 2020 resolution.

Walking into finishing the second week of 2020 feeling productive and such, I just realized that I didn’t really proclaim any official resolution like I used to.

Before checking my old post, I think my resolution was used to be about work, or stuffs? But as I track back for the sake of finding my reference, I learned that it didn’t change as much from 2013. I didn’t change much. Or was it that finally I got back on track?

Menjadi Kartini.

Who knows that that simple “wanting to be myself, wanting to be free” is such a difficult resolution to achieve? Well maybe because it’s a constant battle. Like one day it feels like things are going to be okay but the next day reality hits you in the face and saying “you think?” πŸ˜‚

But maybe, just maybe I spent less time thinking about Kartini and less guilt-tripping myself. Wasn’t it a bit ironic that while I’m wanting to be like Kartini, as in wanting to be free and wanting to focus on myself, I blame myself for not being able to be one for years? Like should be able to that much with your degrees and your jobs and your brains or such.

Ah, so that’s it. I was focusing so much on the being “free” and not the “prioritizing myself ” as a goal all this time, although that’s the quote said, but I’m focusing on the picture and the narration in my head. Not the real message that being “free” is in the same box as “prioritizing myself”.

I was so focused on running away in the hope of being free, but running doesn’t solve anything when my mindset is still stucked here. It’s not like I don’t realize it before tho, as I stated before in my 2018 resolution that I want to take care of myself more, and I want to love myself more. It’s just, not that easy to do that.

2017 wasn’t really bad, but not all rainbows and unicorns either. Somehow I put it in words so beautifully before, making it as if 2017 was an okay-ish year, but maybe it was actually okay-ish? It was just that late 2018 and 2019 were a bit disastrous so I got a bit cynical reading my own post in early 2018.

Cynical in a way me wanting to talk to myself “oh you poor thing, you were so happy and so eager to start everything beautifully in 2018 and look what happened instead?”

Tbvh the most memorable memories I have in 2018 were about iKON. When I’m doing things or going somewhere iKON related, it’s the time when I’m doing things for myself. It was my coping mechanism. I learned a lot about deciding to do things that make me happy by liking iKON. But iKON related things don’t make me happy now that Hanbin isn’t here anymore. I cried, a lot. Since June 12th 2019 I haven’t stopped mourning and missing him. So now I have to learn to find new happy place, and I hope my new happy place is within myself, by accepting myself. But I’m struggling.

Struggling means I need help, that what I thought before. So I went to kak Diyaz, I still do until now. Before my goal wasn’t really focusing on improving my wellbeing, it was an emergency situation for me that can’t be contained anymore. Weeks after weeks, now almost a year, I started to accept myself as it is, and I started to work on myself and learning what happened to me throughout these years and what can I do about it, with his help ofc.

Maybe that’s why it feels more real this time, that I really want to focus on myself, of being kind with myself, for my own good. Because I’ve been discussing it thru over and over again with him, so embracing my own self, completed with my weakness, my personality traits, my sadness, my need for control and external validation, etc are the things I work on right now. Learning to say kinder things to myself, to forgive myself, to let go and accept things that I can’t control, to respond better toward anger. Wow that’s a lot. πŸ˜‚

So, to conclude this long redundant-ish writing, I realized that my 2020 was still a bit close to my previous ones, but now not focusing on the “free” part, but I’m going to focus on me, on accepting and improving myself. I plan to continue therapy and hopefully I can be a content person inside, and be at home with myself.

Pray for me please, wish me luck. πŸ™πŸΌβ€οΈ

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