Trying to be back

I’m trying to be back being productive here. Hence me writing here again as a starter. Funny story, I used to blog a lot before being super productive doing my work, up to the point where I motivate myself to start working again with blogging first, hoping the rest of the routine will follow soon. I hope so. I want it. I need it.

TBH, 2019 isn’t going really well for me so far. I lost some of my things that my shrink called “places you charge your mental energy” in late 2018 to early 2019. I think I lost all three of them currently, -ish. I’m working on it to get things back in place tho. Slowly. Patiently. Starting with things that needed to be accepted, life.

First is my hospital; I had a very bad bad bad case of disappointment, pain, and deceit. My juniors lied to me, being manipulative, made me lose some of my employees, and made me lose a substantial amount of money because of their act of lie. It didn’t end well tho, they quit without two weeks notice (they just type the resignation letter and walk out, just like that, good riddance actually), spread shit about my hospital, asked my employee to forge my sign just because they don’t have guts to be civil and formally (and humanely) meet me and resign properly like a human being with basic ethic. I’m actually disappointed because they’re my juniors from university but I hated more the fact that they lie to me and ruining the working dynamic at my hospital. Should’ve been more professional with how they work and deal with people, but oh well, what should we expect from someone that belittle other profession added with misplaced arrogance?

Second is my uni; Not UGM since I graduated already in early 2018. So techinally I finished my doctorate in late 2017, and officially in January 2018. During this one year, there is no single offer for teaching post-graduate came, around a year, I guess. Maybe there is no spot for me to teach S2, not even in MKDU for first-year residents or as a second supervisor for residents’ thesis. Maybe I’m not good enough to teach there. My friend offered me to join her applying to FKM post-graduate opening for civil servant, yes, PNS. Me, PNS. Hahahahaha. I joined her. Funny thing was (well not funny actually), she didn’t make it and I did. I was happy but a bit sad and afraid, because I will be alone there. Afterwards I realized that they are going to set homebase for me in FKM. I was like – okay – actually, it’s not that I’ll be going there everyday anyway right? I was still happy at that time. I was even elated the first time recieving the offer to teach at FKM post-grad although there’s no SK PNS yet. Even if it’s not paid I wanted to do it, I was hoping I can do it in FK post-grad instead of other faculty, but they don’t want me. What should I do? 😦

The saddest thing happened was when something came up that wreck my newfound happiness. It’s that one of the lecturer (he’s not officially from FKM btw, but teaches at FKM post-grad) said bad bad bad thing about my profession, about doctor in Indonesia, to be exact. He compares us with doctors in Malaysia. Criticizing Indonesian health system, Indonesian hospital, puskesmas, accreditation system, lots of thing, when he doesn’t have competence in that area. He’s neither doctor nor working in any health-related profession. I was so close to cry hearing that the first time. I clarified his misinformation the second week and he was super defensive, and threw me out of the class, followed by deleting my name as a lecturer at that class. I’m okay with my name deleted tho, I don’t want to be associated with that kind of wrongdoing. I’m just sad that the higher-ups don’t defend me at all. They keep saying that I’m being rude to a senior, and didn’t even bring out the fact that he defamed my profession, in front of an academic class, that supposed to be evidence-based and filled with data, not fictions and hate speech. My enthusiasm went from 100 to 0, I was going to resign from PNS when they issued the SK but my fellow lectures in IKM and my mom didn’t let me. They said that there will be better way to deal with this issue. I don’t know but let’s just hope so. I can’t stand being in a place that hated my profession, I’d rather be in a place that ignore my existence instead. Well, I prefer not working altogeher and just go fly around the world but it would be such a waste of my doctorate, right?

Oh no, it’s not over with the uni thingy. I though if I lose the drive and enthusiasm to work at the new place, I can always be happy with teaching my stuffs in IKM or helping students doing their final research, the skripsi thingy. But another shit happened that made me so disappointed with myself. I was always very proud of my objectivity throughout my 7-year of teaching in FK. Although I’m close with my students, they understand and respect that I will be grading them objectively despite them being my friends. This is the first time it happened. I tainted my objectivity because of installed guilt. I hated my weakness and I hated the one making me feel guilty so I added several ‘guilty conscious’ marks that were unaccounted for. I am sad and embarrassed, traumatized also. Moreover when I learned that lots of students on that year were delayed because of various reasons, and I felt bad for them for not graduating on time while I gave unjust extra point out of my weakness. It hurts me. It hurts me because I was opening up to them and people used me. I used to have kind and sincere students that respected me, and now they have become one of my friends. I need to toughen up, but I don’t want to start worrying and suspecting of people. I want mutual trust and respect, maybe it’s too difficult to attain now. Thank God I have my kids already, at least I have them already in my life. You know who you are. 🙂

Last one my iKON place. It’s not all broken or anything really, but it’s getting more more toxic. People spreading bad things about me, attacking my appearance, threatening physical harm, and mocking my academic status (like why? lol), it’s stupid really, but tiring. My iKON haven should be my way to refresh myself from tiring and annoying work life. Why would there be annoying human beings filled with insecurities being bitter and salty of other people’s happiness and forture? Someone even told me that if it doesn’t bring me happiness and serenity that I seek for earlier, it might be time to stop and leave. Not to leave iKON, just the account. I’m supporting iKON anyway, not seeking fame for myself. So with or without any SNS account, I can still support them.

There goes my top three mental energy loss. I’m trying to accept things now as it is, and I’m working on it tho, one by one, step by step. I don’t want to keep dwelling in hibernate and energy conservation mode for too long, it’s been too long. I want to be back being productive.

Thankfully some of my friends help me from having mental breakdown. They talk to me randomly, about positive trivial things that can be done in order to feel happy again. I need to be happy again, genuinely happy, and I will be. 🙏🏼

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