I plan to write exactly at April 9th, but I was preoccupied. So I write now. It was supposed to be a happy post, because it’s my ten anniversary with this blog, where I met a lot of influential people in my live, my friends, my fellow geeks, whom I seldom find in my real life.
I want to write about each of them, about each of the memories, about all the feelings, but all I can think of is about one particular post, and one particular person. This post, and the person behind this post, Sora.
He told me to go, ASAP. But I said no. I couldn’t. He said that I should left, right then, book a one way flight ticket and never go back. But I said no. I couldn’t. He said Kartini, around one hundred years ago, could stand up and fought her way into her emancipation. She was different, so different in her time, yet she succeed. She didn’t want to be treated just as a ‘wife’, she refused to be called by her hierarchical name, raden adjeng. She wanted to teach the people that ‘shouldn’t be taught’. She wanted to elevate women’s position in society.
She did it. She is amazing. She is what I aimed to be.
Yet, here I am, all educated and with lots of credentials and competencies within me, yet I am still called as a disappointment, used as an accessory, a tool, an emotional punching bag. I let them. I was weak, I still am. I can’t protect my virtues for being trampled, my heart for being ripped apart, my freedom for being taken away.
I am weak, and stupid, and coward, and scared.
My 2013 resolution is not accomplished yet, not even close. Well, a bit, but still no.
I tried, so hard. God knows I tried. But apparently it’s far from enough. I have mini accomplishments, but they are what they are, mini accomplishments. I tried to break from the emotional blackmails that were aimed at me, seems like I’m the last people to learn that here. I tried and started to be able to ‘inform’ rather than ‘asking permission’, since I’m not entitled to ask for one anyway, I’m 31 for God’s sake! I tried to do as what I believe in, like living frugally, saying ‘no’ if I don’t want to, focus on the essentials, not minding what’s trendy, not following what’s happening, and following what my heart tells me.
It worked, sometimes. But some other times I asked myself why are you so weird and different, Ma? Why don’t you be like any other people that love titles, fancy things, expensive stuffs, showing people around about your accomplishments (not your basic ones, but do it extravagantly!!), getting married, be an obedient person and just follow all the social rules??? Life will be like 100 times easier, because I have the ability to do most of that. But I don’t think it is important.
Showing off to people around just to make myself look good and making people feel bad about themselves? NO. Agreeing to social rules just so I fit in? WHY? Doing extravagant things and throwing money on unused things for me physically or emotionally just to make others (that emotionally blackmailed you on daily basis) happy? I HATE. Showing other people that they were wrong? It’s not my problem it is theirs.
Isn’t it important what I like and what I considered important? I value life, people, process, wearing normal clothing instead of branded ones, minimal makeups, living humbly, using public transports, not sugarcoating my words, not being an Easy A, eating street foods, doing things on the right legal ways, saving every precious 10k rupiah for my budget travel expenses. AFAIK, all of my virtues are not bad, some are recommended according to my religion too, maybe some considered them as ‘melawan arus’, ‘gak keren’ or ‘malu maluin’. So why should I go and do things that is not good or not important, or worse, neither good nor important just for the sake of being ‘sesuai’, ‘keren’ or ‘gak malu maluin’?
But apparently I am. I am a disappointment because I am an unmarried 31 years old spinster that refuse to attend graduations and currently refusing to hold my doctoral promotion after my closed exam (hopefully) around June-July.
No, there is no merit of being a good obedient daughter, of being a medical doctor, of being a master, of handling a hospital and being a spare tire in medical school (apparently I do those quite well, but not that it is important anyway right?), of going to doctorate study with scholarship in my age, while still working both jobs (until the last three months, I focused on my paper, finally!).
As long as you’re not giving them what they want, you are useless! and you are only useful as long as they say that you are, right? 😆
Well, it is sad actually, aside of all that. I like myself, I am happy of what I am accomplished so far. the point is, I am happy. But people force me not to be happy.
PS: Sora is right, as he is most of the time.
PPS: Sora is right, just as yud1 was too.
Why both of you were like this? I hate you guys.
No, I love you guys, thank you for taking care of me.
I am sorry for being stupid.