Rants, more rants.

I hate responsibilities. I HATE THEM

Because when I am given one, it’s hard for me not to follow thru with it. The problem arises when you’re not given ONE responsibilities, but several, at the same time, and you still have your own responsibility for yourself to take care of, and news flash, with personal responsibility, NOBODY WILL DO THAT FOR YOU! Why can’t I be just like other people that slack easily and just don’t care? Well I do know but it’s a hard task for me to do that.

I’m actually successful on doing it now, a bit. I start to not care so much of stuffs that are thrown at me. LIKE THROWN, NOT GIVEN, THROWN. Am I proud of myself? Well, kinda. My narcissistic predisposition have it in me that I have to do well at everything that is thrown at me well because 1. I crave the feeling that people need me, like if I didn’t do it, people will suffer from it, like the world will crumble. and 2. I am afraid of letting people down, like their disapproval meant death sentence or something I don’t know what but I’m scared the shit out of it. Well 3. It means procrastination on something I clearly need to do, and when shit happened and everything doesn’t work well, I can always blame my ‘helplessness’.

NO SIR I’M DONE.

Well, it’s a baby step. Like super baby, toddler, no, baby. Like a baby, the fight to start speaking, sitting, standing and walking takes like forever, but when he/she start to be able to do it, he/she will start to run and do lots of stuffs in no time. I’m hoping so for myself.

Is it hard? Damn yeah it is. Because motivating yourself every morning is an not easy thing to do, especially if your self-esteem is not as high as you wish for. Like saying ‘choose yourself first’, ‘you can always say no’, or ‘don’t forget you need to focus on yourself’ to myself rarely ended it me winning, most of the time I lose, and lose again, and lose. Not to mention the guilty feeling I have in my gut every time I say no or evading the job that’s thrown at me when they clearly make it their day job to make sure to put guilt on me with extra whipped cream and cherry on top, just to make it a little bit miserable for me. If it doesn’t do the trick, the old fashion yelling and blaming will always get the job done. Great job!

Why are you ranting again here? What is the point? Will it change something? YOU ARE JUST A WHINY UNGRATEFUL PERSON!

idk, I just feel like writing. Healing? Sort of thing. Usually blogging is my last phase of procrastination. Hopefully after ranting I’ll find the strength to start writing my paper without worrying about distractions. Well, I still need to attend my students’ ujian skripsi first, if it weren’t for them, I won’t be here and already hibernating in Jogja until January. That’s why I said I hate responsibilities. Especially the kind that makes you attached to it, to them. I can’t just toss them away just because I want to finish my paper. How if they flunk and have to add one more semester because of it? SEE LOOK AT ME AND MY NARCISSIST SELF OMG! DID YOU FORGET YOU NEED TO PAY YOUR TUITION TWICE BECAUSE YOU ARE LATE TO GRADUATE WITHIN YOUR SCHOLARSHIP???? WHO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?!?!?!? NOBODY!!!! SO SNAP OUT OF IT! Yeah about that, I am fully understand and I’m in a lot of pain because as you know, I’m such a stingy person. I don’t splurge money, and having to pay something extra tuition money just because you are late to finish your dissertation is PAINFUL to me, and last July I think that would be the wake up call for me, paying for my tuition the first time in my graduate school. Well, it did something for me alright, but as you can see, my baby step is quite persistent, so I did make lots and lots and lots of progress this semester, as in MedJob done well, my preliminary article is currently being submitted, the analysis or MedJob is done as well. But sadly, it’s not as fast as I want it to be. Well what would you expect Ma? You neglect it for like three years and during those years you already have 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 skripsi (not just your anak bimbingan but also others’ anak bimbingan, remembeeer???) + lots of TAs. You make people finish their papers and the 2010 kids are in internship already, 2011 is graduating in January, and 2013 kids are graduating in this February/March(?) and WHERE ARE YOU NOW?????????????????

I’M SO DONE WITH MYSELF.

Why are you typing in English? Is your goal to prove that you’re some eloquent shit and superior with your bahasa bule?? Does it make you feel superior?

idk, I just think it will convey my feelings better? What is superiority really? I don’t even care enough of myself do you think I care for being considered superior?

Why are you whining when you’re old already? Move out and go, it is your life, your decision. DON’T BLAME PEOPLE ON YOUR INABILITY TO STAND OUT FOR YOURSELF!

Yeah, I know. It’s not easy. I’m working on it. One of the thing I learn during my grad school is that I should not do things just because I want to run away. If your intention is not pure, it is damn hard, and suddenly everything became difficult and you’re stuck. I remember of my MARS days when everything seems like to have blessing, school life related, not relationship related, okay? My supervisor was so kind, I graduate less than 2 years, I get to study my passion, marketing, there. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

Okay, I am working on it, wish me luck.

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND STOP HIDING BEHIND YOUR KPOP DISTRACTION. YOU ARE WEAK AND IT IS YOUR FAULT THAT PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU! YOU LET THEM!

I do! I am doing it but I’m too sloooow~

Kpop, specially iKON come in the perfect timing, September 2015, when everything is falling apart and I need something to cheer me up. I’m grateful for them for picking my depressed self up and making them be my motivation. Like ‘if you want to go see them you need to finish this’, or ‘if you did this well you will get to see them’ is effective enough for me to fight another day. Well, it implies that I have nothing beautiful in my life that I can look forward and be my motivation. That is sad but I’m okay with it. What are my options? I don’t have a boyfriend let alone husband. Making myself as a motivation source mostly failed me, so I need Hanbin to rely to. For now.

No. Please don’t feel sorry for me, not that anyone fell like that anyway. I am an adult, quite old now, and I do need to stand up for myself. I have no problem baring my problematic self as I don’t think it’s something that need hiding. I actually like myself enough, but for some reason I don’t really comprehend, I put other people’s needs first, not because I am a kind person or anything, but idk really. I hope this baby (ew that’s too cutesy but whatever) will walk and talk soon, so she will run and yap talkatively in no time.

Wish me luck!

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Selamat datang!!

Rizma Adlia Syakurah,

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